I'm not sure if I'm going to send this message.
But I feel like I need to write it.
Maybe I will show it tomorrow to my psychiatrist.

I'm a bit tired. Of trying to cope with my own expectations about you, about what I think you would like me to be.

I can tell you what I'm not:
I'm not Courtney. Sorry.
I don't have a fancy job.
Nor a perfect American accent, grammar or vocabulary.

But I've worked very hard to be who I am now. It has cost me a lot:
leaving my family, tons of mistakes, a divorce, leaving a career behind, insecurity, loneliness, an a heavy student loan.

And that's exactly what I needed to finally start to feel
some sort of pride about myself; to finally start to love me, appreciate who I am.

I'm not sure what you are looking for, but I don't think I can give you what you want.
It's OK, been there before.
Been before with guys that made me feel not good enough, not tall enough, not cool enough... good news is I care less and less about their opinions.
At the beginning I kind of believed them, and thought that something was wrong with me. Or everything was wrong with me.
Now, I acknowledge that I'm far away from perfection, but I can see beyond that, and I deeply believe that I'm worthy of love, appreciation, respect, admiration...I know that. For sure.

You probably don't need my advice, but I will give it to you anyways.
Because I think I've been in the same situation that you are now stuck on.
For a looong time I couldn't get over my ex.
Holding into his memory felt like I was still holding onto his hand.
Like by remembering him every time he was still near me.
That was also safer than truly opening myself to a new relationship,
opening myself to the possibility of feeling love, and being hurt again.

But truth is, a ghost can't make you happy.
It only leaves you feeling empty, longing for something that
(unlike a ghost) you can hug, kiss, talk to, laugh with.

It feels safer to keep longing. Lingering. Nobody can hurt you there.
She will always be perfect in your memory.
She will always love you in your mind.
And there are innumerable stories with perfect endings
that you can recreate over and over in your head.
But that's also not fulfilling.
It's lying to yourself.

I wish you the best. I truly do.
I think above all you are a good person.
If not I wouldn't have wasted my time hanging out with you.
Hope you also enjoyed our time together.

Take care,